Over coffee today, my best friend identified what i’ve been feeling lately.
She named it “holy discontent.” It comes from a book by Bill Hybels.
Huh. It struck a chord and i started crying. Again.
Her comment came as i was explaining my current struggle of what to do next. i have to take classes this year to re-certify my teaching certificate. No biggie. i like classes. So i’ve committed to that this year…and to subbing…and to caring for my family. i really want to continue my work on my Master’s, but it costs so much more. We don’t really have the moo-lah. i mean, we really don’t have the moo-lah. Can i justify it?
So, amazing life coach that she is…my best friend walked me through some simple questions.
“What are your spiritual gifts?”
“What are your skills?”
“What is your experience?”
She already knows the answers, of course, because she knows me. But she also knows, sometimes, i don’t know myself. Or i forget. She walked me through it so i could see it, i think. In the course of our friendship, she’s done this for me probably five zillion times.
She asked one more question, the one i always hate:
“What is your passion?”
For heaven’s sake, stop asking me that question! i don’t know! i never know! i am a busy mom and wife and part-time employee–i’m too busy taking care of everyone else to know what i am passionate about! Stop asking me that question! It’s so self-indulgent!
But then she rephrased it, and for the first time ever, i got it. She asked, “What is your holy discontent? What tears you up inside about the world?”
i get that.
That holy discontent feeling has been my closest frenemy lately. That feeling can be paralyzing. What can i do about this great big, messy world?
i am just a little nobody who has experienced and knows a big God, to paraphrase Ann Kiemel. It stabs my heart when i hear others mis-use or mis-understand my big God. i want others to know my God who so loves this dirt-soaked world. He has not abandoned us, as some may insist. His heart is breaking too. He feels the groaning and pain of the world even more acutely than us. And He is on the move. There is always hope. His hand is stirring. This is my holy discontent: how am i to share His heart with others?